


If You Don't Know (Please, Let Me Go)

by yeonbinnie_babies



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Choi Soobin Is Bad At Feelings, Established Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun, Fluff and Angst, Inspired by Real Events, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sad Choi Yeonjun, idk what im doing, mc soobin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:02:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26122417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yeonbinnie_babies/pseuds/yeonbinnie_babies
Summary: When the candle light threatened to flicker out, would everything still be the same?
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Comments: 18
Kudos: 43





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [KrymshelAngel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrymshelAngel/gifts).



> hello there my fellow yeonbinist, im suffering rn bc of the draught and i thought, why not drag u all with me? jk. idk im in pain rn.
> 
> ive been discussing this to my twt friend for a while bc of the drastic event that took place in yj's vlive.  
> WHY DID HE CHANGE HIS BACKGROUND IM STILL SO SAD

He lies on bed by his side, an arm propped under his head for support as he stares at his phone with unblinking eyes.

He has been on that position for nearly half an hour now but it seems that the blonde male hasn’t noticed the passing time as he is too engrossed trying to memorize every inch of the photo taken by his device like he hasn’t already. If we’re to talk in complete honesty here, Yeonjun had mostly spent his time for the past month just letting his gaze trace every single pixel used to show the picture of his sleeping boyfriend.

Because lately, he hasn’t got the time to do that personally.

So he’s stuck with that photo.

It’s just his phone background and him alone because his boyfriend has been too busy with something else.

And since we’re still talking in complete honesty here, Yeonjun is growing tired of this newly adapted routine.

Why should he settle with just a photo when he can just have the real Soobin instead? His tall-ass boyfriend in a flesh instead of this damn photograph trapped in a small rectangular device that cost too much because apparently, capitalism still exists.

But that’s the thing—he _can't._

He can’t have Soobin right now, or for the past weeks, or the next miserable days that will follow because he is _that_ busy with his new MC job and it’s so infuriating Yeonjun is so close into losing his mind.

It’s not like the blonde is against the whole MC thing, though. God no, he’s not. It’s just, he can’t help but feel neglected lately and it’s embarrassing to admit because he likes to think of himself as not the clingy type of boyfriend who wants to be their partner’s center of attention all the time (although that sounds real nice right now).

And just for anyone’s information, Yeonjun was happy for Soobin—he still is. This MC sideline is a new path created for Soobin towards the door that would help him improve his social skills. And based on the interactions Yeonjun had watched every Friday between Soobin and the artists he got to meet and interview, it really did help.

Although of course, Soobin is still kind of awkward having to do things alone instead of having his members together with him, the change and improvement are still noticeable.

Perhaps _too_ noticeable that Yeonjun catches himself lost inside his mind overthinking about the possibilities that Soobin might find the others’ presence better than his, sometimes. And then it would lead to him worrying his own self until his insecurities would be let out in the open, suffocating him and making sure he’d be too drowned to breathe.

And he would only be able to be pulled out of that state is when one of the maknaes would appear out of nowhere to snap him out of his trance.

Which has been happening more frequent lately that Yeonjun’s sure they’re starting to worry and be suspicious.

However, the root of it all is still clueless as a rock.

Yeonjun sighs, turning over on his back and taking one last glance on his homescreen before letting his phone shut close.

He doesn’t know what’s going on with him. He even thinks that he is being too dramatic over this but the nagging feeling in the deepest depths of his heart is so uncomfortable that he wants to get rid of it as soon as possible.

The lingering question though is, _how?_

How would he when the one he has to talk with is nowhere to be found? Maybe he’s somewhere out practicing a new mini performance or something.

Yeonjun groans and buries his head on his pillow.

They used to stay up late in the practice room sometimes without the other three. Just the two of them going over their new choreo for a few minutes until it would suddenly end up to them having their midnight snacks in the center of the room.

But now, for the past weeks, Yeonjun has been going home together with the other three because he has no one else to stay back with for a few more hours, anyway.

He just really, really wants his Soobin back.

Even for just an hour, or even half, or quarter of it.

He just wants to spend time with him.

Like they used to before this whole thing happened.

Yeonjun found himself opening his phone once more.

…

Today, Soobin was given a break and it was fortunately, the same time the group doesn’t have any schedule listed. So, it’s safe to say that they got to have time together again with their leader.

The five of them are huddled in their dorm’s living room, a movie playing and snacks scattered around for them to pick on when they feel like it. However, Yeonjun isn't too invested with whatever that is playing on their tv right now. He can’t even remember the title. Instead, here he is, a couple of inches away from his boyfriend as they sit together on the couch, the other three claiming their own spots on the floor as it is closer to the food.

He moves even closer to the arm rest, eyes stealing a quick glance from Soobin just to see if that action will earn some response but he receives none, much to his dismay. It automatically puts a pout on his lips, arms moving into their own accord to settle over his chest to complete his image of a petulant child sulking over something he was deprived of.

To tell the truth, Yeonjun doesn’t even know what he’s on about. Maybe it’s for the fact that Soobin didn’t even bat an eye even when Yeonjun was sure he felt it when he shimmied his way away from his hold. Certainly, Soobin should’ve pulled him back into his hold, right? Grab him by the arm or something to make sure he won't move back again because hello? That was what he used to do before.

He wouldn’t let Yeonjun be out of his reach when they’re watching a movie together like this. Even when they got scolded by the maknaes for being too disgustingly close and couple-y, Soobin didn’t care. He would even embrace him closer just to spite.

But now, Soobin’s just: _watching_. It doesn’t even seem like he noticed Yeonjun backing away.

It’s upsetting. Terribly so, that Yeonjun feels all of his energy being sucked out of his body and it leaves him like an empty container with nothing. Absolutely nothing but tiredness and this looming tiny sensation of loneliness.

And yes, Yeonjun is aware that he might be over-reacting over this thing that shouldn’t even be a big deal because it’s just a freaking movement. A motion that only requires so little amount of force but somehow, Soobin couldn’t be bothered to apply just that.

He’s just been craving an act of romance with great intensity from the male, one that would relieve him from the stress and worries he’s been getting lately that were doubled since the first day of Soobin being an MC. He’s in need of defense against the collisions of his thoughts. A balance because his equilibrium is being threatened.

Yeonjun knew it was bound to happen soon. Their relationship is meant to encounter troughs, but isn't it taking a bit too long to reach another crest?

Look at this, since when was he even interested in science? Out of all things?

Maybe that’s just what disenchantment does to you. It turns you into a basic physics expert. Or maybe, it’s just Yeonjun and how his brain works in an unpredictable way.

The blond tears his gaze away from the tv, deciding that he has pretended to be immersed long enough that it won’t cause any violent reaction if he’s to get out of there and into the comforts of his room where nobody would be there to bother him.

And nobody to be with him.

Usually, he would rather spend their group’s free time together like this. But, not today. He’s feeling too out of it and it won’t be a good idea to exhaust himself even further trying to act like he’s okay and not dealing with a stuffy heavy brick of a burden called affection-deprived, in front of his members.

Oh my god. Maybe, Yeonjun really _is_ the clingy type of a boyfriend who wants to be their partner’s center of attention.

The realization makes him want to sulk and wallow even more.

Yeonjun removes the throw pillow resting on his lap and places it beside him on the soft cushions, doing his best to stand up as silently as possible as to not draw attention on himself and be subjected in inquiries he doesn’t know how to answer.

He has successfully got up now without anyone noticing. And it’s funny because he was expecting Soobin to at least, pay mind into him leaving but at the same time, he kinda doesn’t want to because he’s unreasonably a little mad and upset.

That’s just how it works, he guesses.

Yeonjun’s halfway towards the doorway leading to the corridor when he hears Beomgyu’s voice calls out to him. He mentally curses for thinking that he could escape the situation without a scratch when these maknaes seem to have eyes and sensors everywhere.

“Where are you going, hyung?” Beomgyu asks, head tilted slightly to the side with one of Hyuka’s plushies tucked in between his arms and legs that are curled around his frame.

This caused the rest’s attention to be put on him and Yeonjun musters all of his self-control not to glance at Soobin to see his reaction. “I…uhm…uh, heading to my room.”

“But why? Does hyungie not like the movie?” It is now Hueningkai asking him with a kicked puppy’s expression on his face. A tactic he had mastered since their trainee days because he knows no one could resist it. It is adorable, but not when you’re in the receiving end; especially when the maknae of the group uses that to get what he wants, sometimes.

_I don’t even know what the movie is._

Yeonjun holds back his tongue from saying that thought out loud.

“I do! Just—you know? Hyungie’s tired and it’s been a long day.”

“It’s 2 pm.”

“Exactly.” Yeonjun flashes a tight smile at Taehyun. “It’s been a long day.”

“But Yeonjun hyuuuung—“

“I’m tired, Hyuka. I want to rest. I’ll just treat you all to lunch tomorrow to make it up to you guys, okay?

Hueningkai dejectedly nods and returns back to watching with a pout on his lips, reaching forward a bit to dive his hand in a bowl of popcorn. Beomgyu copies the youngest’s action but not without sending Yeonjun one last look of… Yeonjun failed to recognize it so whatever. Taehyun is still staring up at him with his big eyes, steady and unfaltering that Yeonjun feels like he’s being examined. He doesn’t even realize he’s holding his breath until the younger male drops his gaze and smiles a little to dismiss him. Although Yeonjun doubts Taehyun bought his excuse, he’s thankful the other doesn’t press on it.

And now onto the last person.

Soobin’s still staring at Yeonjun’s face but his eyes are blank, unreadable and it makes Yeonjun want to run up to him and punch him in the face because how dare he look at him like that when he has been left in the dark for weeks and the gaze he’s receiving is this?

It should’ve been warm and calming and patient. But right now, it’s just—just, _empty_. Well, not really empty, but it’s lacking.

Lacking in what means? Yeonjun has no idea. But he is certain that there’s something missing, or else he wouldn’t have to question himself about what the aftermath of the initial impulse would be; wondering if the momentum would still be constant—

He really has to stop with this physics talk.

After a few more seconds of him just standing there, Yeonjun went back to his senses and walk away since it doesn’t seem like Soobin would state a comment, anyway.

Plus, it’s not like he would listen to whatever he has to say.

Yeonjun is tired. He just wants to rest. Without the thought of anything (Soobin most likely) occupying his mind.

…

It surprised him, really, when ten minutes later and there was someone knocking on his door.

At first, Yeonjun grew quite annoyed because he thought he made it clear that he was tried and didn’t want to be disturbed so why the heck was one of them outside his door?

It hadn’t even been that long. What could they possibly need this time?

He ignored it. Yeonjun could tell you that. He even kept his voice to himself in hopes that they would get the message or to make them think he has fallen asleep. But just when he thought he could go back into scrolling through his gallery in peace, the door was opened.

And then he was more surprised when it revealed Soobin instead of one of the three maknaes.

If it had occurred maybe two months prior, Yeonjun could’ve expected that. But with the change of events he couldn’t quite get a grasp on, he was surprised.

Because it was the first time in more than a month that Soobin went inside his room on his own accord.

Funny, right?

“I thought you’re tired?” Soobin stated more than asked. His steps towards Yeonjun’s spot on the bed were lazy and unhurried. Like he has all the time in the world, and somehow, it felt as if someone plunges a knife directly at Yeonjun’s ribs because if Soobin has all the time in world, why can’t he spare him some?

Why just now?

“I am.” Yeonjun answers, sinking back down on the mattress and pulling the fluffy blanket he received from Hueningkai from a year ago up to his neck, hoping that it could hide him entirely from Soobin’s penetrating gaze.

“But you’re on your phone.”

“And?”

“There’s not much difference between watching a movie and being on your phone,” Soobin makes a space for himself on the bed, just beside Yeonjun’s hip and then pulls the blanket down from Yeonjun’s neck. “so why’d you leave?”

Yeonjun pulled the blanket back up, swatting Soobin’s hand away. “I told you, I’m tired.”

“Of what, exactly?”

There it goes, his heart. Missing a beat and then thumping so fast, it feels like his breath is about to be taken from him.

There was something in the way Soobin asked that leaves Yeonjun gasping in open air. Not literally, but you get the point. He’s standing in an open field, surrounded with trees and plants that provide him fresh air—the place is vast, massive with a lot of empty spaces but Yeonjun is too suffocated to breathe.

An invisible hand is clutching on his throat, squeezing tight and hard he couldn’t get it off and he couldn’t breathe—he’s out of air and he’s gasping but no one is around and no one can hear him and the trees are moving, enclosing him. Closer, closer, and closer and he’s in the middle of them without any space for him to run towards and he can’t escape. And he’s trapped, he’s trapped, he’s trapped—

“Hyung?”

Yeonjun blinks up at Soobin’s frowning face, his eyes still unreadable. And only then did Yeonjun remember he’s on his bed without any hand pressing on his neck. He lets out a shaky breath, praying to every god that Soobin won’t notice.

“Hmm?” He was planning to answer the sitting male but his voice failed him and settled with a simple hum.

“Are you okay?”

Oh.

_Oh._

With the tone Soobin used as he asked that question and the gaze he’s giving Yeonjun right now, the blonde realized that _oh_.

_He isn't the only one tired, huh?_

And this time, Yeonjun is certain he isn’t being dramatic and over analyzing things.

He wishes he is, though.

Because _his_ Soobin would've asked that with a knowing gaze, tone careful and waiting for explanation instead of an answer. _His_ Soobin would've asked expecting a detailed reason instead of an affirmation that he _is_ fine because _his_ Soobin would've known he _isn't_.

He asked that question in a way he would ask a stranger, fully aware that they would lie about being okay.

And he used that to _him_. To Yeonjun. To his _boyfriend of three years._

Is he a _stranger_ now?

“I—“ Yeonjun doesn’t know what to answer.

_‘Are we okay?’_

His subconscious should really learn how to shut the fuck up and not unnecessarily hurt him.

Yeonjun forces out a smile and holds Soobin’s hand that is over his blanket, “Go back to them, Binnie. Those three missed you.”

_I miss you._

Soobin seems hesitant but he’s obviously considering the options and it sucks because before, when Yeonjun was involved, that option would automatically weigh more. But now, Yeonjun isn’t really sure anymore.

“Will you be fine?” Yeonjun feels Soobin squeezing his hand and it used to be a gesture of comfort but he doesn’t know why it feels like such a warning now.

A warning that he’s about to let go.

Yeonjun wishes he could hold on tighter.

But won’t that be selfish of him?

Wait, is he _not_ allowed to be selfish?

“Yeah. Go on. I would just take a nap, anyway. You should spend time with them.”

_Why won't you spend time with me?_

Soobin smiles down at him, their hands still pressed together but the feeling is confused, lost, disoriented— _dimmed_.

And then Soobin seals everything when he places a kiss on Yeonjun’s hand.

It’s like he’s settling with _this_. Like he’s fine with the lines being blurry and he confirms it when he kissed Yeonjun’s hand and then got up to leave.

_I love you._

The phrase echoes inside Yeonjun’s head, but he couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud.

Because he isn't sure if he would still hear it back, anymore.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The times Yeonjun avoided Soobin to avoid being hurt but ends up hurting himself even more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took like a week to add this, i just can't seem to write continuously bc procrastinating is seducing me.
> 
> but here it is, uwu <3

Another week gone by in a flash and Yeonjun has been unconsciously distancing himself.

He isn't doing it on purpose, he swears. He’s just avoiding each possible thing that would cause his heart to constrict.

When he feels like it’s about to burst out of its seams, he would look away. When he begins to feel like drowning, he would turn the other direction. When he starts to feel like a part of him is threatening to fall off, he would just stop and hide himself behind the walls he has absentmindedly restored.

Yeonjun’s just trying to take care of himself.

Frankly, there’s nothing wrong with that, right?

~~~

_It was a Tuesday afternoon and the five of them were inside the practice room, going over their new choreography for their approaching comeback._

_They had been at it for a couple of hours now without break. Each one of them determined to perfect each and every move so they would be able to show their beloved fans just how hard they’ve been working and to exceed everyone’s expectations. Not like they would ever disappoint anyway, but just for good measures._

_“Let’s take a break for now. Keep up the good work, everyone!”_

_The moment those words left their dance teacher’s lips, the five boys’ bodies just automatically fell down on the floor. Each one of them panting and chasing their breaths, sweat dripping down not only on their foreheads but all over their tired figures, soaking their shirts._

_Yeonjun brought his arm up to wipe the trickling sweat on his temple, watching as Beomgyu stood up from beside him to retrieve his water bottle from across the room, resting prettily on the floor beside their bags._

_“Give me some too~” he told Beomgyu, looking at the younger male with an overly cutesy expression because he couldn’t be bothered to stand up and get one for himself._

_But instead of conforming like Yeonjun expected him to do, Beomgyu just stuck out his tongue at him in a mocking way, drank from his bottle and then turned around. Completely ignoring his hyung whose mouth fell from disbelief._

_“Yah!” Yeonjun yelled, leg curling so he could remove his shoe and throw it at Beomgyu._

_Luckily, the male saw it through their reflection on the mirror and managed to dodge on time._

_However, the shoe went and hit someone else._

_“Ow!” A whine was heard leaving Hueningkai’s lips. The poor male was doing nothing and was just peacefully lying on his back but was still unfairly hit with a discarded flying shoe right on his chest. “Who threw that!?” the maknae added, a look of furry on his face as he went to sit properly, the shoe tightly clasped on his hand._

_“Yeonjun hyung did!” answered Beomgyu._

_“It was an acciden—“ before Yeonjun could even get the chance to finish his words, a wild Hueningkai had already lunged forward towards him and tackled him down on the floor._

_“Get off me!”_

_“No. Suffer from my weight.” Said Hueningkai as he let his body gave out so Yeonjun would be crushed down. And he was. He almost couldn’t breathe and he was sticky and Huening wasn’t of any help because he was drenched in sweat too and it felt hot. He was gonna die._

_“You ugly! You’re heavy, get off me!” Yeonjun struggled to lift the boy off of him. His strength and energy drained from him because of hours of dancing continuously that he had none left to push the added weight on him away._

_Hueningkai pretended he couldn’t hear anything and proceeded to make himself even heavier. Shifting around to be comfortable as he closed his eyes._

_“Hyuka, I-I can’t bre-breathe!”_

_“What was that hyungie? I’m pretty? I know right.”_

_“Get off him Hyuka-yah, Yeonjun hyung’s face is all red. You might kill him if you stay like that.” Yeonjun heard Taehyun talked and there was a moment of silence before Huening finally rolled over and he could breathe properly again._

_Bless Taehyunnie._

_“I saw my life flashed before my eyes. Thanks, Kai.”_

_“Welcome Hyungie~”The maknae winked at him and sent him a flying kiss which caused Yeonjun to fake gag just to spite the youngest._

_Then after he had calmed down and was sure he wasn’t panting anymore, he turned to Beomgyu again who was now using Soobin as his own personal wall to lean on. “Where’s my water Beomgyu?”_

_The said male opened one of his eyes to spare him a glance and then closed it again just to adjust his head lying on Soobin’s back. “Soobin hyung took the last bottle. Just share with him.”_

_Yeonjun let his eyes wander to Soobin for a moment, only to see said male already looking at him. A hand reaching behind him to what Yeonjun guessed was to get the water bottle. However, before Soobin could even offer him a drink, Yeonjun was already quick to get on his feet._

_“I’ll just get us a few more down the hallway.”_

_He left the practice room without sparing Soobin another glance._

_~~~_

_At last, the filming for their new music video had come to an end._

_The sun had already set a few hours ago and the night was fast to engulf the sky in its soothing dark embrace. The production team was packing up, the camera men, the directors, their stylists, even their managers along with the rest of the crew._

_The five males were also told to get inside their rented place for the day so they could change out of their mv clothes and into more comfortable ones._

_Yeonjun went first. He quickly changed inside the bathroom and removed his make-up, mind pre-occupied that he didn’t realize that he was just staring at his own reflection for a while now and when he looked down on the sink, that was when he found out he accidentally spilled the contents of his make-up remover bottle down the drain because he was so deep in his trance._

_He mumbled out a curse before fixing himself for the last time._

_When Yeonjun went out of the bathroom, he was greeted by a snarling Beomgyu who was holding his clothes in his arms. Tired eyes playfully glaring up at him but Yeonjun was not in the mood to play along._

_He hasn’t been for a while now._

_“Yah! What took you so long?” Beomgyu reprimanded and Yeonjun only shrugged at him before he walked away. Too worn-out to point out the blatant disrespect that he just let it slide easily._

_Beomgyu’s gaze followed his retreating figure with confused and worried eyes. Wondering about what on earth was going on with his hyung because it was so unlike him to exude such gloomy aura._

_It didn’t feel like Yeonjun at all and if Beomgyu didn’t know any better, he would've thought his older member was kidnapped and this one with them was a clone provided to act like him but miserably failing._

_Assuming that his hyung was just tired because of today’s filming, Beomgyu chose not to dwell on it anymore and went ahead to change so they could finally go home._

_Yeonjun didn’t know how he ended up leaning against one of the vans outside their rented place but there he was. Hands in his pocket while he played with a random rock using his shoe. He let his eyes follow the movement of the rock created by his actions but his mind wasn’t there with him._

_He had been lost inside his own thoughts for the majority of the day. At some point, his brain even chose to block out the voices and figures around him and was only brought back to reality when the pd-nims would yell cut and proceed to give him instructions about what he should do._

_Yeonjun apologized for his consecutive mistakes of course, but his mind just wouldn’t cooperate with the rest of his body and would distract him from everything. He wasn’t being his usual self, he was aware of that—even the whole production team was aware of that because he was known to keep his focus in check and would barely make mistakes regarding this kind of matter but today was different._

_It was as if Yeonjun was supposed to be somewhere else; supposed to be doing something else that was why he couldn’t even force himself to put all of his attention in their filming but Yeonjun didn’t even know what was going on anymore._

_He was also just as clueless as everyone was._

_Heck, he had not even any idea what got him so pre-occupied thinking._

_He just wanted to go home and sleep. Maybe in that way, he wouldn’t have to think anymore._

_“There you are, Yeonjun hyung!” the blond lifted his head up and tore his gaze away from the rock beneath his foot and saw Hyuka enthusiastically skipping towards him with a tired yet bright smile on his face. Typically, the maknae’s cheerful aura would've been enough to pick Yeonjun up from sinking down the darkness dragging him by his ankles but right now, it seemed that whatever that was pulling Yeonjun down made sure to grip really tight that even Hyuka’s natural liveliness couldn’t take him away from it._

_“We’ve been looking for you for ages!” Hueningkai exaggeratedly stated, arms instinctively curling their way around Yeonjun’s right arm to drag him away from the van. Yeonjun couldn’t even be bothered to break free and just let the younger haul him to wherever he had on mind._

_If only it was that easy to move away from the shackles of his thoughts then maybe Yeonjun wouldn’t be having a difficult time. But then again, when have things ever been easy?_

_A few moments of walking and having his arm almost ripped out of his body later, Yeonjun was successfully brought inside their rented place again where the rest of his group gathered. Taehyun was standing by the doorway, his bag already slung on his left shoulder while he busied himself with his phone. Beomgyu was the same, but instead of standing, he was seated comfortably on a plastic chair beside a standing Soobin who was looking directly at Yeonjun with a poker face and unreadable eyes._

_The instant Yeonjun saw Soobin’s heavy gaze on him, he quickly averted it. He didn’t want to keep looking at those familiar eyes he hadn't been able to read for a long while now. It made him feel small, hopeless and incapable. Like he was unable to maintain the connection and lost his ability to understand and it stung because he didn’t know if it was his fault for not learning how to read other emotions or it was Soobin’s fault for suddenly changing his way of delivering his sentiments._

_Yeonjun wondered if that was the case. If he really did get lost in translation that’s why he couldn’t comprehend what he meant to Soobin anymore._

_However, he still wanted to try and understand. He was willing to learn no matter what it takes but he couldn’t do it alone. He needed Soobin to help and guide him but that’s where things would go and spiral._

_Because it didn’t seem like Soobin was willing to make him understand. It surely felt like he was walking out the door to leave Yeonjun to struggle on his own._

_“I found Yeonjun hyung!” Hueningkai exclaimed, putting everyone’s attention on them and for the few times in Yeonjun’s life, he hated the attention._

_Taehyun was the first to break out of the collective trance and speak out, eyebrows unconsciously lining up to a little frown and Yeonjun had the urge to smoothen them out but had no energy to do so. “We’ve been texting our group chat asking about where you are, hyung.”_

_If Yeonjun wasn’t too subjected in his unknown draining emotions, he would've felt the guilt climbing its way up his being. But at the moment, he didn’t have any space left for that. He was already occupied with too much unnamed feelings that he felt like losing his mind._

_And the cause of it was just standing right there, eyes still focused on him but Yeonjun had enough will-power not to glance back even if he wanted nothing more but to make a place for himself in those arms._

_Like he used to. When he still knew where he stands._

_“Sorry, I have my phone on silent.” Yeonjun half-heartedly apologized. And if Taehyun caught the faint sincerity in his words, Yeonjun was grateful he didn’t comment on it._

_“Anway, Soobin hyung said he has something to tell us.” Taehyun said which resulted to everyone laying their eyes on the leader, except one person who chose to stare at the floor instead._

_Funny, Yeonjun used to spend all opportunity he could get to stare at that face. But here he was right now, finding the little scratches on the floor interesting when he was given the chance to look at their leader’s face._

_“Right,” Yeonjun heard Soobin cleared his throat. “Our manager told me that we’d have to take three separate vans to go home since we’ll take our costumes with us. But one of the vans would have to stop by at the agency for a bit instead of going straight to the dorms.”_

_“So would that one van take one person?” asked Beomgyu who was surprisingly listening when he was just drowsing off._

_“Yeah.” Soobin nodded. “So, who would take which?” he added while sparing each of the member a glance. His gaze on Yeonjun lingered for a bit longer._

_“I don’t mind dropping by the company first since I left my charger at the practice room.” Said Taehyun with nonchalance, shrugging his shoulders._

_“Okay then it’s settled since the oldies would automatically share—“_

_“You look tired Taehyunnie so just go straight home. Hyungie will get your charger for you.” Yeonjun interrupted Hyuka and threw a small smile at Taehyun who raised his brow at him._

_“Are you sure, hyung? I mean, I told you I don’t min—“_

_“Yes. Just go and rest.” The younger sensed the finality in Yeonjun’s tone so he didn’t argue further and just nodded his head._

_Beomgyu, who was watching the event unfold in front of him from his seat, frowned at Yeonjun. “You’re weird today.”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_“You’re not clinging at Soobin hyung’s side as usual.” Beomgyu eyed his two older members with suspicion. “Did you two fight?”_

_“No.” Yeonjun answered rather cogently and spared Soobin a glance before he could catch himself._

_Wrong move._

_Soobin was staring at him with a defeated expression on his face but he wasn’t saying anything._

_Yeonjun wondered if he was expecting him to agree and share the van with him like always. Like before when they used to steal time for themselves even when it was just a couple hours of drive to their location._

_He ignored the pinch it brought to his heart and looked away._

_~~~_

_Another Friday had come and their schedule for today was cancelled at the last minute which left the members of the group bored with nothing else to do. They were all slumped inside their living room with the exception of their leader since Soobin was out for his own schedule as an MC._

_Yeonjun was on his phone, seated on the couch with Hueningkai using his thigh as his own personal pillow. He could hear the maknae whining together with the other two (more like Beomgyu since Taehyun was just attentively listening to their complaints about being bored out of their minds) and would flinch from time to time because of Hyuka’s high pitch out-of-nowhere screams._

_Not like Yeonjun minded. It actually helped on distracting himself since he was once again drowning with unnecessary worries and it seemed to grow worse every Friday._

_Wonder why._

_There was silence for a few minutes and the thought of the younger ones suddenly falling asleep crossed Yeonjun’s mind that he took his gaze away from his phone screen and glanced down to see Hyuka staring up at him unblinking eyes. Yeonjun paid him no mind and went to look at the other two, only to see them already staring back at him with the same unblinking eyes. It was almost creepy but Yeonjun was so used to their questionable antics that he just returned back to his phone._

_What was he even looking at?_

_His gallery. Don’t ask why, the answer was so obvious._

_“You guys just look like a small group of owls.” Yeonjun muttered, attention solely focused on an image captured by his phone._

_“We’re cute though.” Beomgyu stated confidently still without blinking. It was rather comical actually, if only Yeonjun wasn’t too preoccupied by something (someone) else._

_Still, Yeonjun humored him with a hum. “If that’s what you want to believe in, then sure.”_

_Another beat of silence had fallen over them again and thankfully, the other three decided to stop with their staring and went back to whatever that was they were doing. Hueningkai was still lying on Yeonjun’s lap, his molang plushie securely wrapped around his arms as he watched his two hyungs arm-wrestling on the floor. It was enough to satiate their boredom for a while but, they were used to moving around a lot that having nothing else to do because of a sudden schedule change was making them lose their minds._

_It also didn’t help that the agency told them to stay out for today as a rest and didn’t deem them to be in need of further practice so they were stuck inside the confides of their dorms with nothing planned that was why they chose to whine and complain about being bored instead. It wasn’t even that big of a deal too, since they basically were given the permission to be out and about but nobody among them had the energy to encounter some possible sasaengs and media._

_So they were there, having a somewhat competition of who could complain more dramatically than the rest._

_Yeonjun had gotten too immersed in this one certain image he had of him and his so-busy-to-pay-him-attention boyfriend that he didn’t notice the boys were discussing an idea that spurted out after hundreds of whines and exaggerated groans. They had pretty much had everything planned already just after a few minutes of discussion and were now just waiting for Yeonjun’s approval._

_However, their eldest was too deep in his trance to realize all eyes were on him once again._

_Until Hueningkai decided it was time to let out another shriek._

_Yeonjun almost dropped his phone out of surprise._

_“Kai!” Yeonjun scolded the maknae who was now properly sitting across him on the couch. When did he even get up? Yeonjun hadn't noticed._

_“It’s because you aren’t paying us attention Yeonjun hyung!”_

_“Why’d you have to scream?”_

_“Because I can.” Hyuka replied with his adorable smile he knew the other couldn’t resist. Yeonjun rolled his eyes._

_“What do you want?”_

_“We want to pay Soobin hyung a surprise visit! Isn’t that a great idea? Oh, I love my brain~” The youngest complimented his own self with a pat on his own shoulder while keeping his bright smile. However, someone did not appreciate this self-crediting._

_“Excuse me? I suggested it! Therefore, it’s my brain which should be praised!” Beomgyu argued, hand rising up to gesture on his temple as if that would accentuate his point._

_“But I planned it!”_

_“It was my idea!”_

_“And it’s my plan!”_

_“And I’m about to punch you both if you don’t shut up.” Taehyun warned. He sat there, legs crossed as he gave two of his members a deadpanned look. Yeonjun could basically see the air bubble floating above the red haired boy which states the words ‘I’m so done.’_

_His statement seemed to do the trick though, since Beomgyu and Hueningkai had now stopped their verbal banter. That didn’t mean that they wouldn’t make ugly faces at each other out of spite, though._

_Yeonjun chose this moment to finally share his thoughts. “I don’t think the company will allow it—“_

_“Worry not, hyung! I’ve already asked for their permission and manager said it’s okay as long as we would stay back-stage and avoid cameras!” Hueningkai took a break from making faces at Beomgyu to cut Yeonjun off from his concerns and quickly returned back into it._

_The older stopped at his place, his phone midway through the air as he glanced at Taehyun as if asking for confirmation which the latter gave with a nod of his head. If Yeonjun was actually paying attention earlier, he would've been impressed by the maknaes for having planned all of it that fast and gained permission from the company since they usually had to ask for a couple times until they pestered their managers enough to make them agree by force. Now that Yeonjun realized they could actually go and visit Soobin in his sideline, he quieted down, mind already running a hundred miles per hour, coming up with scenarios of different possibilities of how things will turn out._

_He didn’t like them one bit._

_Yeonjun cleared his throat after a little while._

_“If you guys have the go-signal then, sure. You guys can go, but I don’t think I will go with you.”_

_Yeonjun watched as the other three’s expression went from expectant to surprise to having deep frowns decorating all their faces in a matter of 5 seconds. He would've laughed if he wasn’t too busy beating his own self up inside his head._

_“What?”_

_“I said you guys go, I’ll stay here.” Yeonjun repeated with simpler words but it felt rather harder to let out._

_“But why?” Taehyun asked._

_“Don’t you want to surprise Soobin hyung?”Added Beomgyu and Yeonjun almost winced at the mention of their leader’s name._

_It wasn’t like Yeonjun didn’t want to. In fact, if he could, he would accompany Soobin every damn Friday to MusicBank just so he could be with him all the time but it wasn’t allowed. And since that hadn't been allowed the first time around, it went on and on until there was a fucking gap between the two of them now and Yeonjun swore he could have cut it through with a knife from how thick it was he could almost feel it physically._

_No, he wasn’t exaggerating._

_Okay, maybe a little bit._

_But still._

_If Yeonjun would go there now and he was to witness the love of his life in his new field it would feel like a large hard fucking slap in the face with Thor’s mallioneer. He didn’t think he could stand and watch Soobin mingle with people who felt like stealing his boyfriend away from him. And God, Yeonjun sounded like a possessive idiot right now and it was making him want to bang his head against the wall but he couldn’t help it. He fucking couldn’t. It surely felt like Soobin was slowly slipping away from his hold and Yeonjun was desperately trying to chase after him but Soobin keeps on running and running and running away like he doesn’t want to be caught anymore._

_It was frustrating and tiring and Yeonjun didn’t know if he should still keep on chasing._

_“Hyung?” Beomgyu softly called out when they noticed Yeonjun zoning out._

_“Oh, sorry.” Yeonjun blinked._

_“You sure you’re not coming?” Hyuka cautiously asked like he was walking on thin ice which is so unlike him because that boy always takes his steps aggressively._

_Yeonjun shook his head and spared them a small smile. “No. I feel a bit unwell. I should maybe rest it off or I’d end up sick.”_

_“Okay.” Hueningkai nodded, “But will you be fine alone, hyungie?”_

_It took Yeonjun another five minutes to completely convince the maknaes he’d be okay and that they should start getting ready if they still plan to visit Soobin before he scurried off to his room._

_He lied there, not noticing how many hours it had been since the boys left. Too busy overthinking and repeating the question Hyuka asked him over and over and over again. But up until now, he still couldn’t find the answer._

_ Would Yeonjun be fine alone? _

__

_It was the obnoxious ringing of his phone that broke Yeonjun out of his daze. He tapped around on his bed trying to find the device and when he finally did, he brought it over his face and almost felt his heart rose up to his throat when he saw who was calling. The blonde sat up, fixing himself by taking a long drag of breath to calm his nerves down._

_It was a foreign feeling, since he never really needed a preparation when answering Soobin’s calls. Typically, he would immediately answer it without much thought, with nonchalance and familiarity but now, it just really felt like he had to prepare himself first._

_Thinking about it made Yeonjun unconsciously dig his fingernails on his palm. It was like a reminder that things between the two of them were really changing and he couldn’t do anything about it._

_The ringing ended before Yeonjun could finally answer it but it began again when he was about to throw it away._

_He answered it with a final exhale._

_“Hey,” Yeonjun weakly murmured._

_There was a muffled noise from the other end of the line before it went silent and Yeonjun took the phone away from his ear for a second to make sure the call was still on going. It was, thus, he pressed the phone back on his ear and waited._

_“Hyung,” he heard Soobin said after a few seconds. “Sorry about that, I almost dropped my phone.”_

_Yeonjun rolled his eyes at that and almost chuckled because it was such a Soobin-thing. His ever so clumsy boyfriend. Yeonjun bit his lip at the word boyfriend._

_“Mhm.” He hummed in response, not really knowing what there was to say. But it seemed like he didn’t have to think about it further since Soobin spoke again._

_“You didn’t come.” Soobin’s voice sounded painfully upset and sad that Yeonjun thought he imagined it. “I was looking for you but the kids said you aren’t feeling well.”_

_Yeonjun chose to ignore the first phrase. “Beomgyu is just a few months younger than you.”_

_“He’s still a kid. They’re all kids.”_

_“You talk like a grandpa.”_

_“I learned it from you.” Soobin playfully replied and Yeonjun let out an offended gasp._

_“I do not talk like a grandpa. I’m a cool person.”_

_“Whatever you say, honey.”_

_Yeonjun was suddenly hit by the realization that their conversation was sounding like their normal exchange and he cursed himself inside his head for giving in so easily. He was starting to scold his own reflection by the mirror placed on the wall across him but then froze when he recalled Soobin just called him honey._

_His heart was once again rising to his throat._

_“Yeonjun hyung? Are you still there?”_

_“I—“ Yeonjun found it hard enough to gulp but managed to swallow the lump on his throat. “I’m tired, Bin-ah. I’ll just see you once you come back.”_

_And with that, Yeonjun ended the call without even waiting for Soobin’s response._

_ Yeonjun would just see him, once his Soobin comes back. _

_~~~_

It is nearing midnight and Yeonjun’s on his phone, sitting on his bed with a corgi plushie tucked in between his arms. He’s watching videos of their performances since it seems that he couldn’t fall asleep just yet and he doesn’t want to bother the other guys who he assumed are already fast asleep on the comforts of their beds. The video he’s currently watching is about to end when another sound that isn't coming from his headphones reached his ears.

Yeonjun frowns and pauses the video, face contorting into a little frown while he curiously removes the headphones from his ears and waits to listen again for the sound which he deems to be coming from outside his door. The frown he sports on his face deepens more and he goes to stand up from the bed to see whoever that is knocking on his door when the clock is about to hit midnight.

However, when Yeonjun finally opens the door to his room, he’s met with a sheepish smile and tired yet hopeful eyes. He blinks dumbly as if that could help to shake his surprise away.

“Soobin?” he whispers the name of the person standing on his doorway. “What are you doing here?” He then hesitates whether he should invite the taller male in or he should close the door behind them and join him outside.

He chose the former, the reason why they’re now awkwardly standing face to face in the middle of Yeonjun’s room. Yeonjun is looking everywhere but the man before him, not really finding the courage to do so and it sucks because he really wants to but he can’t.

_He can’t._

Maybe, inviting him in _is_ bad move.

“I’m craving to eat something sweet and figured you’d want to join me,” there was a pause and Yeonjun could feel Soobin’s gaze on him but his eyes remains steady on the floor below them. Soobin is wearing socks, a pair of grey with a bunny printed on both and Yeonjun recalls it came from him some time around last year because he knows Soobin tends to have cold feet at night and he was looking for new clothes when he passed by the socks aisle and the rabbits instantly reminded him of his boyfriend. They came in three pairs, if Yeonjun recalls correctly.

“—like we always do.” Soobin finishes while Yeonjun still stares at the floor, refusing to meet the blue haired male’s gaze because he’s tempted to answer Soobin with a _‘not anymore’_ and he might not stop talking after that and then it won’t end good and they’re going to fight and then Soobin would leave—

“Hyung?”

Yeonjun snaps back to reality and accidentally looks up to meet Soobin’s eyes that are searching his own and Yeonjun curses mentally because he doesn’t know what Soobin is trying to figure out.

He looks away again. “I don’t know, Soobin. I don’t really feel hungry.”

The blond finds it hard to swallow after saying that. Like there suddenly is a huge lump stuck inside his throat that’s preventing him to gulp down and then it’s multiplying into larger pieces that are starting to occupy his chest and he feels suffocated. He can’t breathe.

“You don’t want to?”

Yeonjun nods, ignoring the sudden shift in Soobin’s tone that sounds upset and with all the power he could muster, Yeonjun forces himself not to look at him again and see the hope he saw earlier slowly dies inside Soobin’s eyes. Like a flicker of flame that was deprived the chance to grow into a raging fire.

That would really cut his ability to breathe altogether.

It was silence for a couple seconds and Yeonjun would've thought Soobin left if it wasn’t for the pair of feet he could still see in his line of vision. And if he is to be completely honest, Yeonjun doesn’t know if he would prefer it for Soobin to just leave or stay, for just a little bit more.

Before Yeonjun could be totally absorbed by his thoughts for the nth time, he heard Soobin hums and then he’s clearing his throat. “Okay, okay… you don’t want to eat, but maybe we could… uh, I don’t know... watch a movie or something?”

“I’m tired, though.”

“But I could see your phone open and you’re watching something.”

“I was just about to sleep.” Yeonjun reasons out, turning around and walking towards his bed to avoid further discussion with Soobin.

However, the other male takes it as an invitation to follow him, much to Yeonjun’s luck. “Well then, we’ll sleep,” says Soobin and Yeonjun could feel the bed dips behind him which could only mean that Soobin has also settles himself on the mattress.

Yeonjun fights the urge to scream out loud.

Why is Soobin making it so hard? Why can’t he just be cooperative and get the hint? Why is he trying to invade Yeonjun’s space now that Yeonjun stopped seeking for his presence? Is this a joke? A game? A test from the universe to see how much Yeonjun could take before he blows up because why the fuck is Soobin acting like nothing’s wrong and they’re fine after practically forgetting his existence for almost two months?

The blond draws in a deep breath through his nose, hoping to maintain his composure and not cause havoc in this ungodly hour. It’s obvious that he’s having a hard time though, considering the painfully obvious way he’s gripping the sheets. His knuckles turning white that if Soobin is to look down to his left, he would be able to see it despite the faint light coming from the lampshade resting peacefully on the bedside table he’s staring at. He’s not exactly staring at the lampshade but rather, to the one just a few inches ahead of it.

It’s a mini picture frame which Soobin knows with his whole heart displays a picture of him and Yeonjun together on their first date as a couple. He knows it and has every detail of the photo memorized, starting from what hairstyle they had to the color and kind of outfit they were wearing. It’s one of Soobin’s favourite pictures of them and he has the exact same frame on his and Beomgyu’s room.

The only difference is that, this one is placed upside down.

Soobin got cut off of his reverie when he senses Yeonjun shifting to face him and it caused his gaze to be torn away from the concerning position of the frame to his boyfriend whose face shows a troubled expression. Soobin can’t help but noticed the lack of eye-contact from the male, but still chooses to keep it to himself as to not start unnecessary dispute.

“I’m tired, Soobin-ah. Go back to your room.” Yeonjun says, and he could definitely feel Soobin’s eyes boring holes right through the depths of his soul and he almost flinches away from the intensity of it. He closes his eyes and attempts to lie down but Soobin grabbing his wrist prevents him from doing so.

“You don’t want me to sleep here?”

Yeonjun unmistakably detects it, the cautious yet hinted with firmness manner Soobin asks his question and Yeonjun knows what’s coming if this continues. And an argument isn't what he needs right now, especially that he’s too annihilated with the events occurring and he knows he’s gonna lose his resolve along with his mind.

He knows he’s bound to be full blown crazy once his composure breaks, and it won't be good.

For either of them.

“Why would you?” Yeonjun whispers but it’s loud enough for Soobin to hear and regardless of the softness of Yeonjun’s voice, it absolutely feels like a harsh blow to Soobin and his grip on his boyfriend’s wrist unconsciously tightens but not to the point that it hurts.

“Since when do I need a reason to sleep on the same room with my boyfriend?”

It’s inimical now, the way Soobin speaks and Yeonjun’s beginning to slowly let go of his self-control. His annoyance starts to rise and if Soobin isn't out of his room the next minute, they would without a doubt, end this night with a memory of disagreement and an argument. Maybe a couple of teardrops too, who knows?

Yeonjun pulls his arm away from Soobin’s hold and attempts to lie down on the bed again only to be stopped by Soobin for the second time. “I’m tired, Soobin.”

“No. We have to talk,” Soobin addresses this with finality that Yeonjun knows won’t change even if he tries to argue. “You’ve been avoiding me…for more than a week…and at first I let it go because I reckon you need the time for yourself and it’s your way to ask for space but—it has been days and you’re still avoiding me. Heck, you don’t even look at me anymore and I keep on thinking if I did something to upset you that’s why I didn’t step in. But…but now, you’re doing this and I can’t sit back and watch you ignore me anymore. I don’t know what’s going on Yeonjun—just tell me what’s wro—“

“That’s hyung to you,” Yeonjun interrupts, finally returning Soobin’s gaze, however, it’s with a sharp glare. “I’m still older, you know?” he adds then shrugs his shoulders off of Soobin’s grasp, pulling the covers up so he could hide under it but—

“Then act like it and quit acting like a child!”

Yeonjun is taken aback by Soobin’s outburst, totally not expecting the younger to lose his patience this fast since he’s usually the one who stays calm between them two until the end of their arguments, or even with the whole group. Hence, it is safe to say that Yeonjun is startled out of his wits as he gapes at Soobin who towers over him even when they’re sitting like this. However, his shock is quickly replaced with anger and Soobin would be lying if he says he didn’t manage to catch a glimpse of pain behind Yeonjun’s glaring eyes.

He doesn’t have any time to regret and take back his words though, since Yeonjun’s already opening his mouth to rebuke.

“Maybe I will if you start acting like a proper boyfriend!”

And like a strong willed waterfall of emotions, Yeonjun’s words keep on flowing out Soobin barely has the chance to keep up. And it’s not helping that he got rooted on his spot like he just stared right into Medusa’s eyes and he’s now frozen like a statue, stripped off his abilities to move even just a single muscle.

“Ever since you started being an MC, it’s like you forgot your boyfriend exists! You know I will support you with everything you do…and you having this job is not an exception. I’m glad you’re doing great at it. I’m happy for you, Binnie…more than you think but—but I just can't help but feel like you’re neglecting me because you don’t even spend time with me anymore and I understand because you’re busy but even when you do have the chance, you still rather spend it going over your lines you have a week to practice or spend it with whoever new friend you meet.

“You don’t even send me any message anymore or won’t even say hi or approach me without me initiating it. It’s like—it’s like you’re fine with us being this way and you’re simply okay with us slipping away from each other and you don’t even make any effort to save it and I feel like…like I’m the only one who wants this because you’re giving up,”

Soobin sees the fresh set of tears forming inside Yeonjun’s eyes and watches as they slowly fall one by one until they’re completely streaming down his face and he feels his blood run cold. He wants to reach his hands out and wipe those tears away but he can’t seem to move, like something is holding him back from lifting his arms and all he can do is watch helplessly as his boyfriend breaks.

“Hyung,” Soobin speaks out but it is too weak, too weak like how he feels and it got drowned out by Yeonjun sniffing.

“And I might just be overthinking and overanalyzing things but it’s not like you’re doing anything to prove otherwise because, yes, you’re here, but at the same time you aren’t because I do not feel your presence Soobin—not at all when all you do is be on your phone and talking to whoever the fuck was that and then leave to be with someone else again and I’m tired of waiting for you to come home only for you to go straight in your room without even sparing me a single glance.

“I’m here, slowly deteriorating and barely able to catch my breath from running after you but you don’t seem to notice anything and when I watch you on the screen looking like everything’s fine and being happy without me—being happy despite having no contact with me for a whole month is slowly breaking me in an agonizing way possible—“ Yeonjun’s voice cracks, his face turning red from letting all that out without any pause to breathe but somehow, Soobin felt like it was him who did all the talking because his chest feels so heavy right now and he might have forgotten how to breathe and how to use his ears because everything seems to be blocked out and his head is spinning and he can’t hear Yeonjun—

_“Soobin-ah, do you still love me?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys i need yeonbin to breathe. it's seriously a need right now.

**Author's Note:**

> no it's not the end. a few parts would be up soon, i guess.  
> thank you for reading this tho, <3


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